10 Things I Didn’t Tell Him: A Crochet Hooker Confesses

I’m a hooker. I made that very clear on my online dating profile. Not only was I explicit in the description I wrote about myself, but my main profile picture also left no room for doubt. I love to hook! However, there were things I didn’t mention and that came as a complete surprise to my perfect match. Here are 10 things I didn’t tell my boyfriend before we hooked up, plus some confessions still waiting to surprise him.

1. I have a lot of yarn. I mean a lot, a lot!

His reaction: After he saw my stash, he said something like: “You have more yarn than I have tools! You could open a yarn shop with all this yarn. There’s no way you can crochet through all that yarn in your lifetime.”

My response: “One never knows what color or fiber content or yarn weight one will need. So I need all of this yarn. And besides, I could use up all of this yarn if I made a bunch of afghans.”

What I didn’t say: there will be more yarn! I can’t pass up a good deal. Check out the clearance items at Interweave!

2. I talk to my sister about crochet all the time.

His reaction: After listening to several long conversations between my sister and me, he said: “I don’t even talk about sports as much as you talk about crochet. What can there possibly be to talk about?!”

crocheter color pooling

Deborah on the phone talking about Color Pooling.

My response: “There’s so much! We talk about color, technique, and projects. We chat about ideas for Love of Crochet, stuff we find on Facebook and Pinterest, projects she’s making for her kids, people at church who want to learn to crochet. The topics are endless!” My sister and I do talk about other things too. But somehow crochet seems to weave its way through all our conversations.

3. I like to crochet every day, for hours at a time.

His reaction: Our relationship is still new enough that I haven’t crocheted nearly as much as I used to (and plan to). But winter is coming, so that means fewer outdoor activities. I’m sure he’ll ask me something like, “Are you mad at me? Why are you spending so much time in the living room by yourself?”

My response: “I’m crocheting and got lost in my audiobook. I love you very much. And no, I’m not mad. Let me finish this row and we can cuddle for a bit.”

4. I will have a crochet project with me at all times.

His reaction: “Do you really need to bring crochet along while we’re fishing? Can’t you just hang out with the family and enjoy God’s creation?”

My response: “Just as I can walk and chew gum at the same time, I can crochet, watch you fish, enjoy Mother Nature, and keep up with the conversation all at the same time.”

What I didn’t say: I’m not concerned about my ability to multitask. I’m actually wondering if I brought enough yarn with me.

5. I expect him to wear or use something I crochet for him.

His reaction: “I will not wear anything that is crocheted or knitted. And for the record, I hate sweaters.”

My response: “Sounds like a challenge to me! You did put the Christmas ornament I made for you on the tree, didn’t you? What about the dishcloths? You’re using those, aren’t you? There will be more goodies in store. I’m seeing a nice Mandala wall hanging for the family room!”

I want to make this DIY Crochet Mandala Wall Hanging Kit in cream just like the picture!

6. I have an intense desire to teach my loved ones how to crochet.

His reaction: “Crochet is a waste of time. If it’s not competitive, I’m not interested.”

My response: “Oh, it can be competitive. The Crochet Guild of America has a design competition every year. But more importantly, crochet is relaxing and creative. And it’s something that can be done while you watch sports and other competitive TV shows. Give it time. Someday I will see you with yarn and hook in hand. ”

7. Movie time = crochet time.

His reaction: “Let’s watch a movie tonight. We can turn the lights off and cuddle with a romantic comedy.”

My response: “Let’s watch an action comedy movie instead, and keep the lights up so I can crochet!”

8. I’m a bit of a crochet snob.

His reaction: “You’re kind of a snob when it comes to crochet. You have strong opinions about the craft.”

My response: “Yes and no. I think it’s great that people make stuff with their hands. So in that sense, I am not a snob. I do, however, believe that good stitching and good color selection are important. If the workmanship is bad, I can be critical of a piece. In that case, I am a bit of a snob. Other than that, I love every type of project there is, both practical (such as clothes and accessories) and fun (such as pet rocks, amigurumi, and yarn-bombing). So, deep down, I’m really not a snob.

crocheter

I love the Summer Breeze Hoodie and the amigurumi in Knit and Crochet Toys.

9. Crochet is the answer to most any problem.

His reaction: “Fact. There are some things that crochet can’t fix. Duct tape is a far better solution than crochet.”

My response: “I disagree. Not only can crochet solve all kinds of physical problems, it can solve many emotional ones, too. Got a hole in a garment? Crochet a patch to cover the hole and reinforce the tear. (By the way, Sara Dudek wrote a blog about this called Pretty Up Your Thrift Store Swat with Crochet!

Is your house a mess? Crochet baskets and bags to organize your things. Got relationship problems? Crochet a beautiful project for yourself (like a scarf). This will help calm your spirit while building your self-esteem. Got money problems? Buy a ball of cotton thread and crochet a doily. The thin yarn will keep you stitching for hours and is cheaper than going to the movies or shopping.

crocheter

The Water Lily Shaw is gorgeous and super popular. The Doily Pillow is elegant and graceful!

10. I will not talk to anyone while I’m counting stitches.

His reaction: “When you crochet it feels like you’re giving me the silent treatment.”

My response: “I’m not ignoring you or giving you the cold shoulder. I’m just counting stitches as I work. I like to double-check my numbers every row and round. Rest assured, I hear you, but I find it challenging to track 3 conversations at once: listening to the tv, talking to myself (counting stitches) and answering you. I’m happy to put my work down if you’d like to chat for a bit.”

A big thank you to my crochet-and knit-addicted coworkers who helped me compile my list. Thank you Hannah Baker, Sarah Rothberg, Deb Gerish, Sarah Dudek, Andrea Lotz, and Susanna Tobias. May your special loved ones take heed of these truths and accept you for your obsession just as mine is learning to do.

What about you, dear reader? Are you a hooker? What confessions did you make to your main squeeze when you got together and what reaction did you get?

Leave me a comment below—I’m dying to know!

Dana


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